Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Justice #12 (August, 2007)

Superman whined to himself about how he wished someone else was Superman, and how he's responsible for what happens to every bullet that bounces off his chest, and oh do cry us a river Man of Steel. No wonder so many people find you unsympathetic. Superman did this while smashing up the Toyman's city of malevolent playthings as the script writer caption box monologued like a low rent Alan Moore just as hard as he could, bless his heart. The physical Toyman was found to be a shirtless unkempt chubby geek overrun with Brainiac's nanotech who was obsessed with saving the children of the world in a vaguely pedo way, which is about as insightful as pointing out that wool is itchy, but the junior college will cash your Creative Writing 101 tuition check all the same. Finally, Toyman revealed how many nuclear warheads Brainiac had taken control of: "All of them." So money! So, so money!

Superman then flew to Scarecrow's city, where Green Lantern Hal Jordan handled citizens driven mad with fear. Yes fear. Will, against fear. Got it? This prompted Scarecrow to run away into a sewer... where the Joker happened to be lurking... dressed as Bela Lugosi's Dracula... and proceeded to bite his "Super Friend" on the neck for leaving him out of the Legion of Doom. META TEXT! Joker needs plastic fangs! META TEXT! Joker needs plastic fangs! META TEXT! Joker needs plastic fangs! META TEXT! Joker needs plastic fangs!

The Marvel Family flew the innocents out of Toyman's city atop a giant, er, top. Stretching men Plastic and Elongated were also essential for evacuations elsewhere. Most of the characters featured in the mini-series remained visible doing obligatory background stuff like that without contributing to the primary narrative. Lex Luthor was the main person responsible for finally corralling Brainiac, while others halted the doomsday missiles he'd launched. Zatanna was key to getting Superman to Brainiac over and over again, who was captured almost as an afterthought, and its not like his plan hadn't already been foiled. Basically, Superman was only around to rescue Zee after she was imperiled by the final leg of the pursuit. Later, the Man of Steel gave a frozen, miniaturized Brainiac to the Kandorian Museum. Batman-- get this-- Batman insinuates that this very capital-I IMPORTANT vanity project adventure might have been the first step toward lasting world peace, and it's insinuated that it leads to the utopic future of the Legion of Super-Heroes, including a gratuitous two-page spread.

The extra long, extra torturous final "Chapter Twelve" was plotted and painted by Alex Ross. The script was provided by Jim Krueger, and the penciled layouts by Doug Braithwaite. None of these men have any share or even self-awareness.

Continue the story through these character-specific posts: