Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Huntress #1 (June, 1994)

The Huntress sought to break up a daffodil ring run by the mob by jumping down from a skylight with a stupid big sci-fi automatic crossbow thing that fired rivets or whole daggers or something out of a stylized "H" barrel-mabob. Mooks got shot in the face and the chest and buckets of corn syrup were flying like a Herschell Gordon Lewis movie and they're trying to grab the handles or whatever and pull them out of their tore up bodies but they can't and they can't even scream because they have no dialogue so they die grisly deaths with these crude jacked-up horrified expressions.

Then the Huntress literally twists this dude's arm for information and the whole time this sting operation is recording everything from a van outside and they're cops so they're supposed to bust Huntress but they don't because she's so much more effective without that human rights Miranda bullcrap so this boss mavericky cop with like a friggin' bush growing out of his eyebrows decides to just follow Huntress to her next location and take the heat from those pencil-pushing liberal dandies at police headquarters after those friggin' daffodils were off the streets. Then one of the mooks kills the squealer (no snitches) and at the same time Huntress shoots that guy in the head and then jumps like twenty-five feet in the air and poses just like the Carrie Kelly Robin in DKR except you could totally beat off to the Huntress when she does it because she's legal.

Then the cops argue about procedure while Huntress strikes a pose just like something from Elektra: Assassin but with a way bigger gun and if it was drawn by Frank Miller in Sin City mode instead of like Bill Sienkiewitz. Actually, what this really looks like is when Scott McDaniel was trying to draw like Sin City on Daredevil but better than that but only a little bit.

And then some kid breaks into Huntress' apartment building, but I mean the whole building is hers but she makes it seem like people live there by putting speakers in all the apartments that sound like conversations and arguing and since this was before MP3 that must have taken like huge reel-to-reel tape but I bet they still said the same stuff a lot if you listened so the apartment building must have been secluded and stuff. Oh, and the Huntress has wicked traps like this medieval bricked up pit thing and she doesn't even seem to notice the kid's trapped so I guess he's going to starve to death down there so I guess he should have gotten a job instead of stealing or collecting welfare.

Huntress comes home and gets naked and takes a shower for pages and pages thinking about getting molested as a little girl and feeling vulnerable and probably never wanting to be naked even by herself but she's naked for pages and pages thinking about not wanting to be naked and I totally saw her butt crack.

So the mob boss is pissed about his daffodils and his eyebrows are almost as fluffy as the rogue cop's and he has a mustache and he's pissed at his lieutenant type guys so he hires this gigantic ninja dude in red and black with abstract sculpture hanging off of his mask and he skewers them with this freaky scythe looking thing and the boss compliments Redzone on doing neat work by keeping the blood off the tile so he must have had a wicked stabbing arc like Michael Myers so that all the blood and gore that spilled out soaked into his victims' clothes like Bounty the quicker picker upper. You'd think it would be cheaper to just shoot those guys since they're not super-heroes but I guess the mob boss wanted to see what Redzone would promise to do to Huntress which with all the penetration and the shower stuff would be kind of violently sexual but it won't happen so I guess that's just me over-thinking it.

Helena Bertinelli is at school because she's a substitute teacher who wears glasses and she's a total scaredy cat out of uniform because some guy touches her shoulder and she acts like she just woke up from a Freddy Krueger nightmare except with the guy who had raped her without using finger knives. She's all hating being weak so she hangs out at school until after dark then changes into the Huntress and is pissed at herself for being sloppy but she needs to shoot somebody with a knife-shooting gun to raise her self-esteem. She doesn't get to but she does kick a guy so hard in the head it looks like all the blood in his body is about to explode out of his face like she was the Fist of the North Star. A bunch of nobodies surround her in a trap and one knows karate and kicks her in her face but she doesn't explode she just has traumatic bad touch flashbacks and I think they're using a stencil to copy the molester because he keeps looking exactly the same.

The Huntress gets beaten up a little but some cop shoots everybody which Huntress should have done and I don't think this is the same cop because his eyebrows are mostly normal. The cop strips Huntress while she's unconscious and puts her in bed and when she wakes up he brings her breakfast and knows her secret identity instead of calling her Victoria like Marty's mom calls him Calvin because of his underwear. This kind of thing never happens to Batman, but maybe Robin.

I never read the rest of this mini-series even though it was only four issues because the parts that didn't feel like I already read them were dumb and the whole book was ugly and mean-spirited and too much like everything else in 1994 but worse. I usually like Chuck Dixon and Michael Netzer but I think maybe somebody else wrote and drew this and then claimed they were the more famous people I like sometimes.

The End.

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