Saturday, September 4, 2010

Gotham Community College LPN Application Procedure Overview

Hello, I'm Doctor Leslie Thompkins. I spent decades overseeing a free clinic in Gotham City's stricken Bowery District, too often identified through the inappropriate and highly derogatory nickname of "Crime Alley." Unfortunately, I ran afoul of a local billionaire who shall remain nameless, and as part of my rebuilding process, I am currently offering this brief online preparatory piece for potential nursing students at Gotham Community College (home of the Killer Crocs, I am told, to much dismay.)

Prospective students must first complete an application and supply educational transcripts, such as a GED, high school diploma, or college documentation. I must stress your sources must be properly accredited, and that disreputable online schools or organizations such as Professor Proxon’s Crime College do not meet minimum requirements to allow student entry. Foreign transcripts will also need to be evaluated by the school's nursing office, as many credits will not transfer, depending on your school and country. Transcripts from Badhnisia or Modora should be requested a minimum of eight months in advance to assure timely receipt. Also, I'm afraid the dreadful Patriot Act prohibits our accepting any applicants from Zandia, as it is regarded as a terrorist state. Such persons should please exit quietly without further contact, or I am compelled by law to report your presence to the NSA.

All prospective students must take the NIGMA college placement exam and score a minimum score of 7 in math, reading and writing, or they must enroll in remedial classes to be brought up to speed.

Having successfully completed these prerequisites, prospective students will be placed in a pool and reviewed by the nursing staff. Typically, one in three will be accepted into the school's program, and will receive an introductory email if selected. You must reply to the email within 72 hours, and prepare for an orientation two weeks thereafter. It is here you will be told all of the shots you will be needing, your basic schedule, and other essential information. You will of course need current CPR training, and successfully pass criminal background checks and drug screens. This will be a hair follicle test, and let me forewarn you, Tar, Velocity 9, and Venom usage will all show up. Before being allowed into clinicals, you must have had a TB and Ivy Spoor screen, and provide proof of immunization against influenza, as well as a current tetanus booster. You must be immunized or have initiated a run for MMR, HepB, Varicella, and the Legacy Virus.

Total costs for all three semesters of our Licensed Practical Nurse program run about $5,000 and cover one calender year's worth of full time education. Your semester must be paid in full one week before the start of classes, or your registration will be put on hold, and eventually dropped. Books will run approximately $800. Barring your having taken Nutrition and Anatomy & Physiology earlier in the year, that will amount to five classes in the first semester covering 6-10 hour days, excluding lunches and breaks. These classes will begin two weeks following the orientation.

I wish you all the best of luck, and hope you will fully prepare yourselves before entering this daunting program.

L. Thompkins

1 comment:

LissBirds said...

"Ivy Spoor screen." HA!

I think nursing students in Gotham should be paid to go to school, not the other way around. Maybe a well-known local billionaire coudl foot the bill for that?